Hello, American humans.

I have just arrived in this country. I was shoved into a tiny little bag, then into a box with a hundred other fish, just to be shoved into another bag and shipped on to this person that the local fish call “The Lunatic.” Or, at least, that’s what the local plant life says the local fish call her. I am unsure whether to believe him, since he seems a very odd sort of being.

Anyway, this is me. Yes, I’m beautiful. Please don’t stare; it’s impolite. Oh, all right, you can stare for just a moment. But I will not do autographs.

This new human seems to have trouble taking a decent shot with her camera. Here’s a better one:

Oh, and I suppose I should mention that I had to travel here with this guy:

…who is a little slow, if you get my meaning. I don’t like to talk about another fish behind his fins, but let’s just say this guy is more beauty than brains.

That’s all for now; I need to work on my tail this morning. This beauty doesn’t just happen, you know. I’ll talk more after she actually gives me a name.

Hello, Clari–I mean, Norman and Walter.

I am baffled by your apparent fearfulness of me. I am just an innocent turtle; I would never hurt a fly…fly…FLY! yUmMy! *pounce*

Where was I? Oh, yes, I am just an innocent ceramic turtle. Nothing scary about me, no. My name is Julian. How could anyone named Julian be dangerous to two tasty-looking fishies like yourselves? Did I say “tasty”? I meant “yummy”. No! “Nice.” Nice is what I meant to say. Not yummy. Or tasty. Though your fins do dangle so temptingly, swishing through the water, sending visions of delicious treats dancing through my head. I wonder how they’d go with some fava beans and a nice —

Oh, listen to me ramble. I’m sure you have better things to do than listen to me going on and on about…sushi. Or caviar. Or shark fin soup. Or lovely pan-seared filets, alongside a nice green salad. Speaking of salad, that Fred looks very…nice, too. Perhaps we can invite him over for dinner.

Now be good boys and eat your krill…krill…KILL! kIlL ThEm AlL! HaHaHaHa!!!1!

Ahem. I think I ate too much. Anyone have some Pepto?

You may adore me now.

Oh, why do I have to write on this thing? Don’t you know it takes away from my more important activities, like posing for photos, posing to wait for food, posing in front of my plants, and posing any time a human walks into the room? I have a full schedule. I don’t need all this WORK.

But, if I must, so be it. No one can say I’m not accommodating of my fans. Why, just yesterday I allowed a fan to use my photo for this lovely article. I think it shows my best side, don’t you?

Lately, I’ve been thinking I should work out, build up the muscles around my caudal fin so it can stand out a bit more. What do you think?

And how should I work on this without tearing my gorgeous, perfect fins? I’d hate to start looking average, like Norman.

Ugh.

Do you have any idea what it’s like living next to that freak? Constantly swimming, swimming, swimming, as fast as he can, up and down the glass, until he wears himself out. Gasping for air is so unattractive, don’t you think?

Pardon me, I have to pose for this nice lady again…

There. I’m back. Where was I? Oh, yes — insane tank mates. I’m pretty sure Julian the turtle is going to eat Norman. He’s also been muttering about someone named “Fred,” but I don’t know any Fred. What’s that? I met him yesterday? I don’t remember that at all.

Oh, there – see? He interrupted me while I was posing. I was far too busy to remember him.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. No, no…no autographs, please.

Well, this is worrisome.

Ever had one of those days, when you’re stuck in a little cup and just floating there, minding your own business, when someone comes along and swishes you around to make you swim, then sticks you in a bag and puts you in a noisy thing that bounces you around for awhile? Then, she puts you in new water, in a great big tank with lots of room, and you start thinking that, hey, things might be okay after all…and then you spot it:

…a creepy turtle who looks like he’s going to chew off your fins while you’re sleeping. Or vomit on you. Could go either way with this guy.

You’ve never had a day like that?

Then you’re probably not a fish, and wouldn’t understand.

Hello. I’m Norman, and I’m a betta.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “My God! He’s beautiful!” Well, hands OFF, people! I have better things to do than just float here and preen for your viewing pleasure, unlike some fish I could name.

Oh, fine, I’ll name him. Meet Walter:

See how he hangs there, so perfect, posing for the camera? That’s when he’s not gazing adoringly at his reflection in the tank wall. What a loser. I’d kick his tailfins if this odd human would just let me over there.

Anyway, that’s us. Stay tuned for more of our painfully interesting lives…that is, if Julian the creepy turtle doesn’t kill us.